he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
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