I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
