this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
