I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
