Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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