You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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