i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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