I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
