help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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