I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
