I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
