Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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