Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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