i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
