I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
