the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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