Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
