Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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