i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
