So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
