it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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