I think my fart just growled at me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
