I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
