I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
