Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I AM VODKA MAN
don't judge my taste in strippers
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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