I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
zippers are such a cool invention
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we're so committed to being not committed
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