I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
