i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
