Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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