I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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