remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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