Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
