I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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