I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
