Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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