I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
