I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
