woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
