She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
