I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
