Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
