I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
