He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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