So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
