she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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