I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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