I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
