did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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