We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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