my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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