You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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