I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
