When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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