i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
