I just made out with a guy for $7.
I look better un-naked...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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